What is PACE? Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy in residential childcare

PACE stands for playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy. It’s a way of thinking, feeling and talking with children that helps them feel safe enough to connect with the adults around them. For children who have learned that adults can’t be trusted, that sense of safety is where everything else starts.

PACE was developed by Dr Dan Hughes, a clinical psychologist, as part of his work on Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) with children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachments. It’s now used widely by foster carers, adoptive parents, schools and residential homes. At Silver Lining Care, it’s one of the approaches our staff use every day.

What does PACE stand for?

Each letter describes an attitude the adult brings to the relationship:

• Playfulness: lightness and warmth that reduce defensiveness and build connection.
• Acceptance: accepting the young person’s feelings and inner experience, while still keeping safe boundaries around behaviour.
• Curiosity: wondering about what’s underneath behaviour, rather than jumping to conclusions about it.
• Empathy: showing the young person that you understand how they feel, and that you’re with them in it.

None of these is a technique to use on a child. They work because they’re genuine, and because they’re consistent over time.

Playfulness: lightness that builds connection

Playfulness isn’t about making jokes when something serious is happening. It’s about a light, warm tone that says “we’re okay” in everyday moments: shared humour over breakfast, a silly game in the car, a relaxed voice rather than a stern one.

For a young person who is used to adults being angry or unpredictable, playful moments can lower their guard and make it easier to accept comfort and guidance later. A light touch also helps take the heat out of small frustrations before they grow.

Acceptance: of feelings, not all behaviour

Acceptance is the part of PACE that’s most often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean accepting any behaviour. It means accepting what a young person feels and thinks, without arguing them out of it or making them feel judged for it.

So an adult might say, “You’re really angry that contact was cancelled. That makes sense,” while still being clear that breaking things isn’t okay. The feeling is accepted; the boundary stays in place. Young people can tell the difference, and feeling understood often makes the boundary easier to accept.

Curiosity: wondering what’s underneath

Curiosity means approaching behaviour with “I wonder…” rather than “Why did you…?”. A demand for an explanation can feel like an accusation, and many young people genuinely don’t know why they did something. Wondering aloud, gently and without an agenda, helps them start to make sense of their own feelings.

“I wonder if it was hard coming back after the weekend” invites a conversation. “Why are you being like this?” usually ends one.

Empathy: being alongside, not fixing

Empathy is showing a young person that you get it, and staying with them in a hard feeling instead of rushing to fix it or move on. It’s often quiet: sitting nearby, naming the feeling, letting them know they’re not on their own with it.

Our young people have told us what this looks like from their side. When we asked what they want from new staff, one said:

Why does PACE work for children who have experienced trauma?

Children who have experienced trauma often expect adults to be harsh, dismissive or unpredictable. Their behaviour is frequently a way of protecting themselves from that. When adults respond with anger or shame, it confirms the young person’s expectations and keeps them on guard.

PACE offers something different, consistently and over time. That consistency is what lets trust grow. It fits closely with the Trauma Recovery Model, which puts relationships with one or two trusted adults near the very start of a young person’s recovery, before work that relies on reasoning and reflection.

What does PACE look like in a children’s home?

In a residential home, PACE shows up in hundreds of small moments across every shift:

• a calm, warm greeting after school, whatever kind of day it’s been;
• naming a feeling before addressing a behaviour;
• wondering aloud instead of interrogating;
• repairing the relationship after a difficult moment, rather than holding it against the young person;
• staff across shifts responding in the same way, so the young person doesn’t get mixed messages.

That last point matters a lot. PACE is most powerful when the whole team uses it. Our Behaviour Management Team coaches staff in PACE, alongside the Trauma Recovery Model and de-escalation, and supports consistent strategies across shifts so young people feel safer. You can read more on our training page.

Tips for using PACE

1. Start with yourself. PACE only works when the adult is regulated. Take a breath before you respond.
2. Connect before you correct. Acknowledge the feeling first; deal with the behaviour once the young person is calmer.
3. Wonder, don’t interrogate. Swap “why?” for “I wonder if…”.
4. Keep boundaries kind and clear. Acceptance of feelings, consistency about safety.
5. Repair, every time. After a hard moment, come back to the young person and show the relationship is still there.

Frequently asked questions about PACE

Who created PACE?

Dr Dan Hughes, a clinical psychologist, as part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP).

Does PACE mean there are no consequences?

No. PACE is about accepting feelings, not all behaviour. Boundaries stay clear and consistent; PACE shapes how they’re held.

Is PACE only for therapists?

No. It was designed to be used by the adults in a child’s everyday life, including parents, carers, teachers and residential support workers.

Can PACE be used with teenagers?

Yes. It can look different with older young people, often more understated and with more humour, but the attitudes behind it are the same.